healing

it’s my birthday week and i’m reflecting, as i do every year around this time.

you know i always thought i’d be married with multiple kids at 26. so i ‘thought’ — and that’s just it.

i think those expectations were ones that i created at a young age. i created them, so how could they let me down? (false)

with my parents being divorced i even moreeee so wanted to have a successful-young-marriage + family. it’s all i could confidently say that i desired back then, and still in recent years.

…

it honestly hasn’t been until very recently, that i’ve come to heal wounds in which i never knew that i had… i at least didn’t know they were this deep.

i realized that i was filled with this rich desire to be married, more than i was filled with a desire to know my father —

so i missed out,

i missed the point,

and i missed the right ones.

…

you probably think that at this point, i’m living like it’s impossible, right?

well i’m not.

this is called grace.

this is called wisdom.

this is called healing.

and i’m sure as hell not done fighting the fight, that i was born to conquer 💛 .

…

i’ve now learned what it means to be a daughter.

i’ve stripped myself away from that cycle of being a doormat in love.

and i’ve begun to unravel my mummified resentment toward love… i’ve replaced it with trust.

some people assume healing like this takes months, or years, and sometimes it does… it did for me. yet at the same time – the process was supernatural once i said yes, because of my willingness + because of my fathers strength.

i really am new again.

…

i got tripped up on that doormat for a while, but i’m done now. i understand.

i can somehow see clearly again. clearer than i have been able to see i 26 years of blindness.

i have conquered.

i can see.

i am healed.

hope is alive, and dreams are not dead.

i think this is what 2020 is suooosed to look like, so why not start NOW, as my brand new year of life takes off.

He is good, guys. He is still, so good.

~ p.elise // instagram.com/p.elise___

mundane

sometimes people ask me how i’ve been, or what i’ve been up to, and i can’t seem to find the words that seem good enough. “good enough” that’s the key.

when i said this aloud to myself, i realized what i was doing — i was downplaying my reality, when it’s actually a vital and beautiful time for me. it’s everything i’m proud of.

…

it happens nearly everyday – being a barista and talking to several strangers / acquaintances a day… i have to have some sort of answer for them to receive.

…

so today i became okay with the mundane, i became okay with stomping on comparison, and i became steadfast in deciding that the rawness of my life is okay. that people will either love me the same or they will not… and neither matter as long as there is recognition of worth, and kindness.

…

so if you’re like me — be okay with the reality of telling others that the highlight of your week is resting at the end of your coffee-stained days, that you’re pushing for those minutes in the midst of your morning where you scribble poetry on receipt paper, and that sometimes… your days look a lot like crying in your living room with roommates who just witnessed your most recent revelation… and THAT IS ENOUGH.

…

you are enough.

your life is more than enough.

you will get where you’re supposed to be in time, and right now… don’t miss the moments.

…

sometimes, it’s the raw and the mundane, that equal out to the very best version of beautiful.

xx.

~ p.elise // instagram.com/@p.elise___

i’m back

my blog is about to take off again, so for now i’ll leave you with these words. they’re important.

〰️

expectations are our form of control, and boy has it been a journey in learning so.

i tried to alleviate my fear by creating this form of control that was once only an idea.

i bonded with its’ beauty and activated it with my words.

i thought that safety was the essence of taking action to these ideas, so that i wouldn’t get jipped or hurt this time — not if i had a say in planning my life to this extent.

you see, i thought that subconsciously putting a twist on the meaning behind words i’d been given, or promises that i had – was my entitlement. i mean, it was my life in the first place, right?

and then before i knew it, that entitlement had created a safety net of deception.

deception ruled me like i hadn’t known the court before, and i wasn’t reigning in the slightest bit.

…

i haven’t written like this in some time. i think because poems flow easily for me,

and bulk words like this are always spoken in the midst of coffee meet ups or in answering questions over a phone call… but writing like this takes time, this takes effort, this takes a vulnerable moment of pure thought. it takes me slowing down and giving you what you are deserving of.

i think i’m ready again.

and as i spoke these words aloud tonight – “i’m back” i quickly realized that i was never not ‘peyton’ but i was absolutely trampling my own potential – for far too long. i’m done waiting to be her again.

i waited because it was easier to swoop down a level.

i waited because of excuses, like not having enough time.

i waited because i didn’t think it mattered as much as i know now that it does.

…

all this to say – my twenty sixth year is arising and my heart is some dainty form of eager. lately i haven’t let the ink swim onto blank paper long enough for revelations to prosper, so i’m doing just that. right here right now — and you are my witness.

here’s to a fresh season, a new year of wonder and growth, and a whole lot more of this… whatever this is.

i love ya.

~ p.elise

stars

scattered lights above my eyes.

causing a ruckus in my soul.

the masses grow closer as the night goes on.

my head spins round as my eyes chase the wonder of their existence.

//stars.